I haven't really told anyone about the whole gastric band thing...when it comes closer to surgery I don't know if this is realistic (I mean, at some point I hope to drop some weight, and I'm assuming people will notice!). A few close friends know, but I haven't yet told any of my family. I'm dreading that day...
One of the background reasons for this is because an uncle of mine had a gastric by-pass years ago. He abused it, overate, restretched his stomach, and all sorts of things went wrong. Because of that my mum is violently against that kind of surgery. She also doesn't really understand overeating - however is pretty neurotic about food. I will tell her...but just before I'm going into surgery I think. I also realise I need to tell my sister at some point, especially as she is living with me at the moment. It's just finding the right way to tell her...my overaching feeling is of shame.
Disapproval - like I've failed. Naughty me, didn't manage to control the most basic of social standards - not overeating. Pretty much everywhere I go I feel like the most overweight person about. I live in Pimlico in London, which is very close to Sloane Ranger Central - girls with flicky ponytails and skinny jeans. If I ever go jogging round the area I very much feel like people saying "whoa, look at the fat girl run." This may be in my head, but I've had enough jeers over the years to know its not solely that. In restaurants or clubs round here I stand out as being the one with the biggest bum.
For a long time I had mega issues with this. I can't say that I'm over them all, but I did see a psychologist for about 6 months (which I recommend everyone to do - can't advocate enough how good "soul-healing" time is) which really helped me put things in perspective. Since then, I am generally much happier, and in particular have managed to leave behind the self destructive relationships that I was finding so hard to let go of. You know, the one guy that still made me feel sexy, and didn't mind stringing me along, even though he knew how much I liked him. Ah, that was a b*tch to let go of, but thank god I got there!
So...given that I can't speak to my friend-of-a-friend (let's call her "A") about her surgery for a few days, I've been trawling the net for blogs on weight loss surgery. They're a bit of a mixed bag, and I've started following a few that have got some great posts. The thing is, I want to find someone who's roughly at the same stage as me...ie right at the beginning. It is *fantastic* to read about success stories, but many of the active blogs I've found are people who've had the surgery a while ago, and are now getting on with their lives (which is not me yet). Due to all this shame and secrety stuff, it's still not au fait to have this surgery in the UK, and other than A (who I've never met) I know no-one who's had this done. I think that's a bit chunk of what made me want to write this blog in the first place...although could end up being like the most private diary if no-one ever reads it! :-)